When we see weakness, especially in those we claim to care about, we must choose whether we want to ignore it, exploit it, or support it.
We all have flaws, insecurities, and shortcomings.
None of us is anything close to perfect.
Even the strongest amongst us is weak in some way.
Sometimes we know how, why, and in what ways, but often there are aspects of ourselves that even we do not see, understand, or want to accept or admit exist.
If we spend enough time with someone, as we become familiar with their personality, character, and psychological, emotional, and behavioral patterns, certain truths begin to come to light.
We begin to see aspects of their character that they may wish were hidden, covered up, or of which they are not even aware.
Weaknesses begin to be exposed.
As this happens, as we become aware of another person’s flaws, insecurities, and shortcomings, as we see their weaknesses, we have to decide what we want to do with this intimate and powerful knowledge.
We can choose to ignore it as something that is none of our business and does not concern or affect us.
We can choose to exploit it, take advantage of it, or even attack it, using it as a tool of destruction.
Or, we can choose to support it, doing our best to make up for it in our own way, balancing out their weakness with our strength.
This is a decision that should not be taken lightly.
Holistic Budo: As it is in budo, so too it is in life. As it is in life, so too it is in budo.
Robert Van Valkenburgh is co-founder of Taikyoku Mind & Bodyand Kogen Dojo where he teaches Taikyoku Budo and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
All photos by Robert Van Valkenburgh unless otherwise noted.
Many of our relationships, whether we like it or not, place restrictions on us that prevent us from being ourselves.
Whether for occupational, familial, or political reasons, we cannot fully open up to everyone, in every way, in every circumstance. If we do, not only will we jeopardize the relationships themselves, but also our reputations and our ability to be effective within those relationships.
If we want to be useful in our relationships, we must have boundaries within them. We must establish which parts of ourselves are appropriate, necessary, and helpful for the circumstance and the company we find ourselves in.
Our employers require different facets of who we are than our spouses do, and our spouses require different parts of who we are than our children or our parents, siblings, or friends do. This is not a matter of inauthenticity, but of appropriateness, courtesy, and respect with regards to ourselves and the actual relationships.
Not everyone should get every part of us. Some aspects of who we are must be held in reserve for those with whom we are closest. Our goal should be to be whichever version of ourself the relationship most needs without sacrificing our integrity in the process.
Holistic Budo: As it is in budo, so too it is in life. As it is in life, so too it is in budo.
Robert Van Valkenburgh is co-founder of Taikyoku Mind & Bodyand Kogen Dojo where he teaches Taikyoku Budo and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
All photos by Robert Van Valkenburgh unless otherwise noted.
“I wasn’t born nice. I have to try really hard to be that way.” —My Wife
Some people tell us exactly who they are, leaving us with the choice to believe them, accept them, love them, or leave. These people do not try to be someone else, they do not hide their truth, and they do not expect that everyone will like them. They are who they are and they wear their flaws, fears, and insecurities on the surface right along with their desires, demands, and affection.
Being truthful about who they are does not necessarily mean that they like it. It simply means that they admit it, they own it, and they live with it. Being the first to acknowledge their flaws is both a form of strength and a protection because, if they can tell us about their shortcomings first, we cannot later say that we were deceived, unwarned, or strung along.
These people are not for everyone. Many of us need softness, illusion, grey areas, and even uncertainty in our relationships where we can hide in the shadows of the unspoken and unexpressed, never really knowing others or revealing our true selves. This allows us to ease our way into and out of intimacy, vulnerability, and the sometimes harsh, blinding light of honesty.
The truth is not always kind. It is not always careful. It is not always gentle or forgiving. The truth is what it is. If we can learn to live with it and with those who wield it as both sword and shield, we will have a powerful ally who will be forever faithful, who will never let us down, and who will fight for us and protect us at all costs.
Happy birthday to my beautiful, smart, strong, and always honest wife and mother to my precious daughter.
Holistic Budo: As it is in budo, so too it is in life. As it is in life, so too it is in budo.
Robert Van Valkenburgh is co-founder of Taikyoku Mind & Bodyand Kogen Dojo where he teaches Taikyoku Budo and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
All photos by Robert Van Valkenburgh unless otherwise noted.
Meditations on God 