“There is no courage without vulnerability.” —Brené Brown
We have all seen people who carry themselves with what looks like confidence, but something is a little bit off about it. Something is not quite right. Instead of being quiet and self-assured, like true confidence should be, it is loud, brash, and ostentatious, as if it is hiding some other truth behind its facade.
The thing about true confidence is that it is not one dimensional. It is not a front. It is not a show put on for the world to see, a distraction from what is really going on beneath the surface.
True confidence has depth, weight, and strength, but only because the truly confident have become so, not by avoiding fear, failure, vulnerability, hurt, loneliness, and sadness, but by facing these in themselves, acknowledging them, embracing them, and taking courageous action in spite of them.
Confidence is not the result of covering up our fragility, frailty, and insecurities, but of knowing them, of owning them, and of transforming them from darkness to light. Confidence is the simultaneous manifestation of both courage and vulnerability.
Holistic Budo: As it is in budo, so too it is in life. As it is in life, so too it is in budo.
“That’s the funny thing about confidence: the incorrect amount of it and nothing will ever happen.” —Robert Downey Jr.
‘Bamboo Rainstorm’ by Ana
True confidence requires humility. Humility is the ability to see ourselves objectively, as we are, and to accept and embrace what we see, the good and the bad. Humility keeps us from straying too far into the extremes of over or under confidence.
To be humble is to be right-sized in our knowledge of ourselves and the way that we present that to the world. Real confidence is the positive mental attitude that comes with humility. It is quit, sincere, and self assured.
Humility gives us room to move, room to grow, room to be wrong, or even right, and the ability to make adjustments as we learn more about ourselves and the way that we fit, or do not fit, into the world around us. It keeps us moving forward, unburdened by the necessity to maintain false appearances.
Humility guides us and keeps us in check, so that we can carry ourselves with the kind of confidence that is neither confrontational nor diffident, neither rigid nor fragile. Humility allows us to be strong in the same way that water is strong. It allows us to yield and adapt without ever giving up.
Holistic Budo: As it is in budo, so too it is in life. As it is in life, so too it is in budo.
Sometimes we just need a little bit of traction to realize that we can accomplish anything.
Making progress on something that is difficult is one of the greatest feelings in the world. There is great satisfaction to be found in overcoming a personal struggle. Just how we go about doing this is a subject of much debate and varying opinions. All too often, we hear people say that hard work alone is the path to success, but simply trying harder or doing more is not a viable strategy if the thing we are doing is not working. Doing more of what is not working never leads to success.
Take swimming for example. Before we know how to swim, if we are thrown in the water and simply told to try hard or put forth a lot of effort, we will still sink. In fact, if we begin flailing around and expending lots of energy, we will most likely get exhausted and sink more quickly than if we were relaxed and had some real, clear instructions that told us exactly what we should be trying to do in order to stay afloat.
The first goal of swimming, after all, is not sinking, but telling someone not to sink is not the same as teaching them how to swim, or giving them the tools to do so. We need clear instructions that tell us exactly what to do and how to do it, but we also need traction. Especially in the beginning of a new activity, we need to feel as if the effort we put forth propels us forward.
For this reason, the best kids’ swim instructor I’ve ever seen starts kids with flippers on their feet. Flippers provide more traction in the water than tiny, bare preschooler feet do. By giving the kids traction, simple, clear instructions, and a big push in the right direction, they begin to swim very quickly. Traction gives us confidence. Once confidence is developed, new layers of difficulty and skill are added.
This is a formula for success in any endeavor. Find your (or your students’) flippers.
Holistic Budo: As it is in budo, so too it is in life. As it is in life, so too it is in budo.
Children are less afraid and more motivated if they can see where they are going and how much farther they need to go to get there.
Watching my daughter learn how to swim has provided me with multiple insights as both a parent and a teacher. At the swim school she goes to, the teacher requires the children to have swim goggles, not just any swim goggles, but high quality goggles that do not leak.
At first, I thought this was simply a formality, part of a ‘swim uniform,’ if you will. After observing a few classes, however, I began to wonder if there was more to it than that. My daughter was learning how to swim easily 10x more quickly than she was at her previous swim school. She was way more confident after one or two lessons than she was before.
Curious, I bought myself a pair of goggles. I took my daughter swimming and got in the pool with her, both of us with our goggles on. I began swimming laps in the pool and noticed immediately that the goggles seemed to give me more breath under water, not actually of course, but because I could clearly see the other side of the pool which gave me the confidence I needed in order to try to get there in one breath.
Knowing how far I needed to go to reach the other side, I was able to push myself a little harder to get there. There was magic in the swim goggles. They gave me a superpower.
It is up to us, as parents and teachers, to give our children not only goals and the knowledge and skills necessary to achieve them, but also the vision to see past the struggle, resistance, and fear, so that they can push through their limitations to get to the other side.
“As in life, so too it is in budo. As in budo, so too it is in life.”
Meditations on God 