Deep down, each of us wants to feel respected and appreciated.
We want to be seen and heard, and we want to feel as if the people around us at least try to understand us.
We want our presence to matter and for our input and output to be of value to the community we are a part of.
Without this, we will never feel fulfilled in our work.
With this, however, our work will not feel like work at all.
By Robert Van Valkenburgh
Once it becomes clear that someone we thought would take care of us will not, it should also become clear that we must start taking care of ourselves.
It is important, however, that we do this without the bitterness, resentment, or fear that we will naturally be inclined to have when we are disappointed, frustrated, or disillusioned.
These feelings are counterproductive.
They will only cloud our judgement and hinder our progress.
Taking care of ourselves does not have to be a selfish act.
In fact, it should not be a selfish act.
Taking care of ourselves does not mean taking care of only ourselves.
Very little can be accomplished in life by taking care of only ourselves.
We need other people and they need us.
We must, if we are to be successful, take care of one another.
Taking care of ourselves, therefore, has less to do with being selfish and self-centered than it does to do with seeking out people who will reciprocate our care, respect, and support for them.
Taking care of ourselves means seeking out, creating, and growing healthy relationships of mutual caring, respect, and support.
If we want to be useful to others, we will need to understand how integrity manifests in their lives.
A good place to start is to look at where they are unwilling to compromise.
This tells us a lot about a person and what they value most.
It may be with time, money, or family.
Or, it could be with all or none of these.
An unwillingness to compromise shows us where a person’s boundaries are and, at the end of the day, integrity is about maintaining and protecting our boundaries.
We cannot be useful to others if we are constantly crossing their personal boundaries, if our words, actions, and demeanor compromise their integrity.
It is possible that, over time, with enough trust, their boundaries will expand to include more of what we want, need, or value, but this does not happen quickly or easily and it certainly does not happen by constantly pushing and pulling at their integrity.
Service begins with respect and an essential component of respect is honoring that which others value most.
Holistic Budo: As it is in budo, so too it is in life. As it is in life, so too it is in budo.
Robert Van Valkenburgh is co-founder of Kogen Dojo Self Defense Academy where he teaches Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
All photos by Robert Van Valkenburgh unless otherwise noted.*
*Robert Van Valkenburgh’s black and white photography can be seen at My Darkness To Light
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We all want to know that we are worthy of love, kindness, and respect.
We want to know that our life, our very existence, has value.
We want to know that this value is inherent to our very being, that we are deserving of affection, appreciation, and compassion simply because we are, not because of something we do or do not do, say, or have to offer.
Deep down, we want to know know that to be loved, cared for, and cared about is our birthright.
As children, we cry, gesture, and even beg for acknowledgement, attention, and validation.
We were not born able to feed, clothe, or shelter ourselves.
Nor were we born able to comfort ourselves.
This need for loving connection is as real as our need for breath itself.
If not received, even if ignored, denied, or punished, the need itself does not go away.
In fact, it is quite likely that the less love we receive, the more we actually need.
Holistic Budo: As it is in budo, so too it is in life. As it is in life, so too it is in budo.
Robert Van Valkenburgh is co-founder of Taikyoku Mind & Body and Kogen Dojo where he teaches Taikyoku Budo and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
All photos by Robert Van Valkenburgh unless otherwise noted.
Follow Robert Van Valkenburgh and Holistic Budo on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Tumblr, and LinkedIn.
If you found this post helpful or meaningful in some way, please feel free to Share, Comment, and Subscribe below.
I have two standards for my associations, regardless of whether they are personal or professional. The first requirement is that I like and respect you. The second that you like and respect me.
If one of these standards is not met, I find it very difficult to move forward. In my experience, there is no personal, financial, or positional gain worth having if I have to associate with people or institutions I do not like and respect and who do not also like and respect me.
This may seem overly simplistic, perhaps even naive and childish, but I have tried many different combinations of relationship in my life and this is more an explanation of my experience than of my ideology. This is not some belief I have. It is a fact of my being.
Simply put, life is too short to be wasted on relationships within which there is not a mutual sense of appreciation and values. This does not mean that we must like all things about one another nor that we agree on every issue. That is an unrealistic impossibility.
It does mean, however, that in order for me to want to give my time, my attention, and my energy to a relationship with a person, an organization, or a community, I have to first trust and respect their intentions and also know that they trust and respect mine. As Sebastian Junger said, “The easiest and most basic definition of community, of tribe, would be the group of people that you would both help feed and help defend.”
Holistic Budo: As it is in budo, so too it is in life. As it is in life, so too it is in budo.
Robert Van Valkenburgh is co-founder of Taikyoku Mind & Body and Kogen Dojo where he teaches Taikyoku Budo and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
All photos by Robert Van Valkenburgh unless otherwise noted.
Follow Robert Van Valkenburgh and Holistic Budo on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Tumblr, and LinkedIn.
If you found this post helpful or meaningful in some way, please feel free to Share, Comment, and Subscribe below.
Meditations on God 