Worry does nothing to improve the situation about which you are worried.
Worry does not help you think more clearly, it does not help you formulate a plan, and it certainly does not help you take decisive action towards a solution for your worry.
Worry just keeps you stuck, trapped in a cycle of inaction and rumination.
But worrying is merely misdirected energy, and energy is neither bad nor good; it just is.
Once you accept this fact, you have a decision to make.
You can either remain trapped in your cycle of worry and inaction, a victim of the energy that overtakes you.
Or you can harness and channel that energy into something positive, productive, and useful.
If you chose the latter, if you redirect this energy outward into constructive action, you have discovered a superpower.
If we want to be useful to others, we will need to understand how integrity manifests in their lives.
A good place to start is to look at where they are unwilling to compromise.
This tells us a lot about a person and what they value most.
It may be with time, money, or family.
Or, it could be with all or none of these.
An unwillingness to compromise shows us where a person’s boundaries are and, at the end of the day, integrity is about maintaining and protecting our boundaries.
We cannot be useful to others if we are constantly crossing their personal boundaries, if our words, actions, and demeanor compromise their integrity.
It is possible that, over time, with enough trust, their boundaries will expand to include more of what we want, need, or value, but this does not happen quickly or easily and it certainly does not happen by constantly pushing and pulling at their integrity.
Service begins with respect and an essential component of respect is honoring that which others value most.
Holistic Budo: As it is in budo, so too it is in life. As it is in life, so too it is in budo.
If our aim is to be of service, one of the pitfalls we must learn to avoid is conflating other people’s agendas with our actual purpose.
The desire to serve, regardless of what form that service takes, requires us to be somewhat sensitive to the needs and desires of those to whom we are trying to be of service.
If we are to be truly useful, however, this sensitivity needs to be balanced with an unwavering clarity of purpose.
We have to know why, to whom, and in what way we are trying to be of service.
This also means understanding and accepting that any ideas and agenda that pulls us away from our purpose are a distraction from that purpose.
Divergence from our path diminishes our usefulness along that path.
In order to maintain our bearing, we must establish boundaries and learn to protect them.
We must learn to say no to distractions.
And, we must learn to do so with tact and grace because our goal is to be of service, after all, not to be cruel or dismissive.
By always referring back to our purpose, we give ourselves a standard through which to make our decisions.
Holistic Budo: As it is in budo, so too it is in life. As it is in life, so too it is in budo.
Many of our relationships, whether we like it or not, place restrictions on us that prevent us from being ourselves.
Whether for occupational, familial, or political reasons, we cannot fully open up to everyone, in every way, in every circumstance. If we do, not only will we jeopardize the relationships themselves, but also our reputations and our ability to be effective within those relationships.
If we want to be useful in our relationships, we must have boundaries within them. We must establish which parts of ourselves are appropriate, necessary, and helpful for the circumstance and the company we find ourselves in.
Our employers require different facets of who we are than our spouses do, and our spouses require different parts of who we are than our children or our parents, siblings, or friends do. This is not a matter of inauthenticity, but of appropriateness, courtesy, and respect with regards to ourselves and the actual relationships.
Not everyone should get every part of us. Some aspects of who we are must be held in reserve for those with whom we are closest. Our goal should be to be whichever version of ourself the relationship most needs without sacrificing our integrity in the process.
Holistic Budo: As it is in budo, so too it is in life. As it is in life, so too it is in budo.
Robert Van Valkenburgh is co-founder of Taikyoku Mind & Bodyand Kogen Dojo where he teaches Taikyoku Budo and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
All photos by Robert Van Valkenburgh unless otherwise noted.
Some of us were born for fighting and others for healing, but all of us are necessary.
Within any given tribe, there are warriors and there are healers and neither is intrinsically more or less valuable than the other.* Each has a necessary role to play for the good of the tribe. Within every cultural group, we need both fighters and healers.
Some people are aggressive by nature and only feel useful or fulfilled when in active conflict with some other group or individual. They see the potential for conflict in every encounter and define success or failure in wins and losses. These people both protect us and move us forward by any means necessary, sometimes at the cost of their own lives.
Other people are more passive by nature and feel most useful or fulfilled when resolving conflict, when solving problems, and when healing relationships. They see the potential for mutually beneficial solutions that bring individuals or groups together instead of dividing them apart. These people heal us and keep us healthy by any means necessary, sometimes even at the cost of their own health.
We need both the warriors and the healers, but we also need to know, in our relationships, which role we play. Our role may change from relationship to relationship, but we each tend lean more toward one role or the other. The key is to know which one we are, whether the warrior or the healer, to embrace this truth about ourselves, and to focus our time and energy on becoming more effective and more useful to our tribe in our natural role.
*Obviously, this is an oversimplification. There are many more roles in any given social group than this and each role has some overlap with the other. In reality, these roles are actually quite fluid as the needs of the group changes from day-to-day, especially in an emergency.
Holistic Budo: As it is in budo, so too it is in life. As it is in life, so too it is in budo.
Robert Van Valkenburgh is co-founder of Taikyoku Mind & Bodyand Kogen Dojo where he teaches Taikyoku Budo and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
All photos by Robert Van Valkenburgh unless otherwise noted.
Meditations on God 