A bully is a person who pushes another person into a corner against their will, and then keeps pushing, and pushing, and pushing.
We often think about bullying as a physical altercation wherein a bigger, stronger, or more powerful person is abusive of a smaller, weaker, or less powerful person. Physical abuse, however, is just one way that bullying manifests. Most of the time, bullying is more subtle and more psychological or emotional than it is physical.
Simply put, bullying is the act of forcing another person into a state of fight or flight against their will. Bullying is any forceful imposition of will against another person wherein that person is put into a position from which they feel the need to defend themselves. This does not mean they have the ability or desire to defend themselves, but that they are forcefully placed into a position from which they feel the need to do so.
As we see more and more these days, bullying does not even have to take place in person in order to have severe, negative emotional and psychological effects on the bullied. Bullying can be as subtle as a forced argument or debate on social media, in an email chain, on text messages, over the phone, or face to face, or it can be as blatant as a person in a position of greater power physically abusing, assaulting, or even killing a person in a position of lesser power.
While most outcry and outrage for the victims of bullying only comes out when tragedy strikes, we should be forever mindful of the fact that bullying usually starts small. It starts with a word, a posture, or a tone of aggression intended to back another person into the corner, into a place where they either fight back, freeze, or run. Sadly, many people never make it out of that corner.
Holistic Budo: As it is in budo, so too it is in life. As it is in life, so too it is in budo.
Robert Van Valkenburgh is co-founder of Taikyoku Mind & Bodyand Kogen Dojo where he teaches Taikyoku Budo and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
All photos by Robert Van Valkenburgh unless otherwise noted.
Some of us were born for fighting and others for healing, but all of us are necessary.
Within any given tribe, there are warriors and there are healers and neither is intrinsically more or less valuable than the other.* Each has a necessary role to play for the good of the tribe. Within every cultural group, we need both fighters and healers.
Some people are aggressive by nature and only feel useful or fulfilled when in active conflict with some other group or individual. They see the potential for conflict in every encounter and define success or failure in wins and losses. These people both protect us and move us forward by any means necessary, sometimes at the cost of their own lives.
Other people are more passive by nature and feel most useful or fulfilled when resolving conflict, when solving problems, and when healing relationships. They see the potential for mutually beneficial solutions that bring individuals or groups together instead of dividing them apart. These people heal us and keep us healthy by any means necessary, sometimes even at the cost of their own health.
We need both the warriors and the healers, but we also need to know, in our relationships, which role we play. Our role may change from relationship to relationship, but we each tend lean more toward one role or the other. The key is to know which one we are, whether the warrior or the healer, to embrace this truth about ourselves, and to focus our time and energy on becoming more effective and more useful to our tribe in our natural role.
*Obviously, this is an oversimplification. There are many more roles in any given social group than this and each role has some overlap with the other. In reality, these roles are actually quite fluid as the needs of the group changes from day-to-day, especially in an emergency.
Holistic Budo: As it is in budo, so too it is in life. As it is in life, so too it is in budo.
Robert Van Valkenburgh is co-founder of Taikyoku Mind & Bodyand Kogen Dojo where he teaches Taikyoku Budo and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
All photos by Robert Van Valkenburgh unless otherwise noted.
A friend of mine used to be a bouncer at a pub. One day, the pub owner called him into his office and said, “I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to let you go.” My friend said, “I don’t understand. I win every fight that I get into.” The pub owner replied, “That’s the problem. You keep getting into fights.”
A lot of people misunderstand the martial arts as simply being methods for fighting. While this is obviously true, it is also only the most superficial interpretation of any combative practice. If we look deeper, martial art training should actually give us the ability to neutralize violence, to end it quickly or even before it starts, so that there is no conflict, there is no battle, and there is no fight to speak of.
Neutralizing conflict is not the same as avoiding it, however. One interpretation of the Japanese word for martial arts, ‘budo,’ literally, ‘the way of stopping the spear,’ is that we put down our own spears as a way of making peace and circumventing violence, but this type of pacifism relies solely on the mercy of those with whom we are potentially in conflict, leaving us exposed with no recourse should they deny our pleas for peace. Another, more practical interpretation of the word budo is that it means the ability to stop the violence of others with our own spears.
We cannot truly create or even choose peace unless we also have the ability to destroy because mercy lies in the hands of the capable, not the inept. The martial arts, then, are methods for learning how to use our spears effectively so that we can give others the choice to not make us have to do so. Paradoxically, the easiest way to achieve peace in this way is to not create the perception of conflict in the first place, to never even show our spears and that is why the Japanese also say that budo begins and ends with courtesy, with respect, with a bow.
Holistic Budo: As it is in budo, so too it is in life. As it is in life, so too it is in budo.
Before jumping into another person’s battle, first ask yourself whether or not their cause is righteous and just, and whether or not they actually need your help.
In a day and age where so much conflict is public and publicized, it is easier than ever to find ourselves leaping to the defense of a friend, an acquaintance, or even a stranger with whom we think we agree. We have forgotten that conflict should be withheld for when it is inevitable, unavoidable, and only absolutely necessary. Furthermore, we have forgotten that most conflict, real or imagined, is more easily resolved without our added participation.
Conflict is a destructive force that requires time and energy, both of which are finite resources, that could otherwise be spent doing something creative and helpful. Beyond that, conflict, even virtual conflict, has real consequences. No one leaves the other side conflict, whether entered voluntarily or involuntarily, unscathed and unaffected in some way.
We should not turn our backs and look the other way when someone, especially someone we care about, truly needs our assistance. Nor should we sacrifice our integrity and back down, give up, or give in simply to avoid conflict. We should, however, practice calm restraint and reserve our time and energy for those rare instances when conflict is totally unavoidable, when the cause for which we would be fighting is worthy of our sacrifice, and for when our participation would potentially lead to resolution, not simply more conflict.
Holistic Budo: As it is in budo, so too it is in life. As it is in life, so too it is in budo.
Robert Van Valkenburgh is co-founder of Taikyoku Mind & Body and Kogen Dojo where he teaches Taikyoku Budo and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
Artwork by Ana, except where otherwise noted.
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Meditations on God 