Meditations on God

Creating a Space for Others to be Great
“Despair = Suffering – Meaning”

—Chip Conley

An award granted to Kogen Dojo member Kevin Glass by Tap Cancer Out for being the Top Individual Fundraiser

Depression is rooted in the struggle to find and feel a sense of purpose and value in one’s life and in one’s self. It is not the absence of happiness, per se, but the absence of meaning in one’s sadness and in one’s suffering. Suffering without meaning leads to despair. The path out of despair is not found in the search for happiness, but in the search for meaning, for a sense of purpose.

As with anyone who struggles with depression, I have had many days where I have questioned whether or not the feelings of hopelessness and sadness would ever end. I have had many days where I have questioned my own value and worth and many days when I have asked myself if it was all worth it. The space in between these days, the space within which I can breathe and smile, a space which, over the years has grown more real and more vast, I attribute directly to my sense of purpose and meaning.

The discovery of my purpose began one day with the thought that I may never be ‘the best’ at anything, that I would be eternally average. In the midst of all of this egotistical fear and noise, a sense of calm washed over me and my purpose became clear. Maybe my path is not one of greatness or to be the best at any particular endeavor. Maybe my purpose has nothing to do with me at all. Perhaps my life’s meaning is to be found in service, to create a space for others to be the best versions of themselves, to work towards their own greatness, and to discover their own value and meaning.

“As in life, so too it is in budo. As in budo, so too it is in life.”

-Robert Van Valkenburgh is co-founder of Taikyoku Mind & Body and Kogen Dojo where he teaches Taikyoku Budo and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu

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July 4, 2019

budo, life, meaning, purpose, service
Tend To Your Gifts (Lest You Lose Yourself)
“Not using your gifts is not benign. It metastasizes.”

—Brené Brown

“Messy Banana” by Ana

Watching my daughter paint or draw, and listening to her tell stories makes me think back to when I was a child. I had a vivid imagination and I loved to draw. Every day, I would come up with new ideas for superhero characters and I would do my best to bring them to life on paper, one after the other, again and again. Drawing, witnessing my imagination become reality on paper, was an amazing feeling. It was like tapping into my own, personal superpower. Then, one day, I stopped. I cannot remember why I stopped or when, but I imagine that it was around the time I began participating in team sports.

I had no interest in sports and, as a result, I was terrible at them. Even writing this now, I am overwhelmed by the confusion and sadness I felt from being so clearly out of place on the field. I would rather pick flowers in the outfield than play baseball. In soccer, unable to pay attention, I walked around in circles until the game was over. At lacrosse practice, I was horribly bullied by the other players, perhaps in an attempt to motivate me, but I doubt that was the reason.

I did not know how to care about this thing that was so clearly important to others. Eventually, I found a group of friends who were into what I was into: music, comic books, and skateboarding. Regretfully, I never really got back to drawing though. I would doodle here and there, covering my notebooks with my favorite bands’ logos, but my skills had atrophied from lack of use. Fortunately, over time, I have found different ways to express myself creatively, ways to give myself my life back.

The need, that drive to create, does not die, but we do if we ignore it. That is why I cherish every painting my daughter paints, every story she tells, and every imaginary creature she conjures. Not everyone is gifted with a vivid imagination. It is my job to help her to keep, to develop, and to share that gift in whatever way it happens to manifest.

“As in life, so too it is in budo. As in budo, so too it is in life.”

-Robert Van Valkenburgh is co-founder of Taikyoku Mind & Body and Kogen Dojo where he teaches Taikyoku Budo and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu
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July 3, 2019

art, artist, budo, creation, creative, creativity, gift, life, make art, make good art, make great art, passion
Are You Truly Showing Up?
“Your take it or leave it attitude with your family is unacceptable.”

— My brother

Matthew Van Valkenburgh at Kogen Dojo. Photo by Mike Oswald Photography

For many years, I thought that honesty meant saying or doing whatever I felt, even if it hurt people, as long as I was being true to myself and my feelings. In fact, my basic stance was that if you were hurt or offended by what I said, that was your problem. At least I wasn’t a liar. I was who I was and, if you didn’t like it, I didn’t need you in my life anyway. I would rather be authentic and alone than a fake with friends and family.

This approach to relationships made for interesting family gatherings. We would all get together for a holiday or a birthday and I would start giving my opinion on things, opinions no one wanted or needed. Every cutting comment I made was backed by smug arrogance and disdain or disgust for everyone and everything. I was a real joy to be around. This went on for a long time with my attitude being, “At least I showed up.”

After one more comment and one more resultant fight or argument, my brother looked at me and shot back, “Your take or leave it attitude with your family is unacceptable.” This didn’t sit well with me. This was him being honest, authentic, and telling me that who I insisted on being was not okay with who he was and who they were. Over time, this began to sink in and, slowly, I began to show up differently, or at least I have tried to.

If all we present to the world are our reactionary feelings and opinions, are we really being ourselves? Are we truly being authentic if we tell everyone around us to “take it or leave it?” I suspect, from my own experience, this is actually the worst form of hiding. No one will ever get to know us, the real us, if we do not allow for some vulnerability. True relationships begin by showing up as others need, not as we want to be.

“As in life, so too it is in budo. As in budo, so too it is in life.”

-Robert Van Valkenburgh is co-founder of Taikyoku Mind & Body and Kogen Dojo where he teaches Taikyoku Budo and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu
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July 2, 2019

authenticity, be honest, be open, be true, be yourself, brother, budo, compassion, empathy, family, life, life lessons
Service is Empathy’s Purpose
As someone who has always struggled to find innate happiness, existential purpose, and a sense of belonging, the discovery of service to others as a path to each of these has been both eye-opening and life changing.

As a young kid, I always felt like an outsider. I was bullied daily by older kids at the bus stop when no one else was around. At school, I was out of step with the other kids, always a step behind on what was new or cool. Among my peers, I was more of an oddity, an awkward onlooker, than a participant. It always seemed that others instinctively knew how to interact with one another and I was missing the programming necessary to do so. This led to feelings of confusion and depressed, which later turned to anger, self-hatred, and self-destructive behavior.

I would be remiss if I did not mention that throughout middle school and high school, I had a very good group of friends. We were the outsiders, The Goonies, and, as different as we all were, we were the same in this regard and were inseparable. Unfortunately, by the time I met these friends, much of the damage had already been done. I have no doubt that their presence in my life got me through what would have otherwise been hopeless times. I am here and I am who I am largely because of the small community of amazing weirdos I fell into in my adolescence.

In my late teens, early twenties, I reached my lowest, my absolute bottom, a place from which I could not imagine going forward or back. It was at that moment that I was introduced to the idea of service to others, along with regular, honest self-appraisal, and a consistent spiritual practice, as a way to step outside of myself, my troubles and misery, to see the world and my place in it in a new way. We are here for each other, for the value we add to the lives of those around us, and for the smiles we put on their faces, for what we can give, not what we can take. If empathy is a superpower, service is its highest purpose.

“As in life, so too it is in budo. As in budo, so too it is in life.”

-Robert Van Valkenburgh is co-founder of Taikyoku Mind & Body and Kogen Dojo where he teaches Taikyoku Budo and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu
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July 1, 2019

budo, depression, empathy, existential meaning, leadership, life, meaning, purpose, service, spiritual path
If You Cannot Be Passionate About What You Do, Be Passionate About How You Do It
“For me, the most important thing I learned about anything was as a dishwasher. I learned to show up on time, to show respect for the people I work with.”

— Anthony Bourdain

One of the coolest jobs I’ve ever had was also the one of lowest paying. When I was in my early 20s, I worked at a record store. It was a lot of fun. However, it paid minimum-wage and I needed to do better for myself. I got offered a job as a dishwasher at a greasy spoon restaurant for $2 more per hour and I could not pass it up.

I approach the manager of the record store and told him my situation. I really wanted to stay, but the money was more important if I was going to make my life better. He said he really wanted to keep me, but could not offer me more money. He explained to me that he has fought with corporate about their low wages because it made it nearly impossible to retain good people. They wouldn’t budge because they knew the job was ‘cool’ and that young people looking for a cool job were easy to come by and were disposable, that, to them, I was disposable.

As unglamorous as it was, the dishwashing job was good for me. It was humbling, but I took it seriously. I figured, if I was going to wash dishes for a living, I would be the best dishwasher I could be. I was not passionate about washing dishes, but I was passionate about being on-time, organized, and reliable. I didn’t like the job, per se, but I liked doing it well. Every job I’ve had has taught me a lot and every one of those lessons were worth the time and effort invested to learn them.

“As in life, so too it is in budo. As in budo, so too it is in life.”
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July 1, 2019

anthony bourdain, cooking, dishwasher, food, hard work, life, marc maron, passion, washing dishes, work, wtf

Creating a Space for Others to be Great

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Tend To Your Gifts (Lest You Lose Yourself)

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Are You Truly Showing Up?

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Service is Empathy’s Purpose

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If You Cannot Be Passionate About What You Do, Be Passionate About How You Do It

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