Quite often, when someone else is suffering, we assume they need what we would need if we were in the same situation.
However, we all deal with suffering differently.
We all need different things, at least on a superficial level, when we are struggling with life’s difficulties.
But, deep down, we all want to know that we are loved and that we are not alone.
While we may each work through our troubles in our own unique way, this underlying truth seems to be a constant of the human condition.
For this reason, instead of trying to help others by offering the solutions that might work for us in their situation, we are often better off trying to help them by offering them empathy and companionship.
Young and old, rich and poor, we all experience pain, tragedy, and loss at one point or another in our lives.
As beautiful and joyful as life can be, it can also be difficult and cruel.
Knowing that we are not alone in our suffering may not provide much comfort or consolation.
However, it should give us some perspective.
While our struggles may feel like they are uniquely our own, it is important to understand that everyone else also feels this way about their struggles as well.
With this in mind, with the knowledge that, to some degree, we are all lonely in our suffering, maybe we can work a little bit harder to connect with the people around us in a way that alleviates some of these feelings instead of exacerbating them unnecessarily.
We may not be immune from experiencing hardship, but, at the very least, we can try to not add to it.
Holistic Budo: As it is in budo, so too it is in life. As it is in life, so too it is in budo.
Knowing that one other person feels the way we do is often enough to initiate our healing.
We all struggle with something.
Whether it is personal, professional, or relational, none of us is exempt from difficulty, from trouble, or from conflict.
We all have fears, frustrations, and insecurities.
We all have our own demons in some shape or form.
Some of us cover them up so well that even we forget that they are there, lurking beneath the surface, waiting to be summoned by a moment of weakness.
Some of us wear them on our sleeve, a raw nerve and open wound for the world to see and feel.
Some of us hide them from others and struggle in silence, a self divided between the facade that is presented outwardly and the truth we live with inside of ourselves.
But, we all have our struggles, our scars, and our trauma.
We all feel alone sometimes.
We all feel lost sometimes.
We all feel overwhelmed sometimes.
None of us is exempt from weakness, pain, or sadness.
It is important to know this.
It is important to know that others feel the way we do.
It is important to know that we are not alone, that, while the exact details of our suffering may be unique to us, the feeling we are experiencing is something that we all share in some small or large way.
It is important to know that healing is possible as long as we keep showing up.
Holistic Budo: As it is in budo, so too it is in life. As it is in life, so too it is in budo.
We may try to ignore it, deny it, or run from it, but it will always find us in one way or another.
Joy, on the other hand, is guaranteed to no one.
It must be sought out.
The challenge we face is that with seeking comes the inherent risk of failure and, with failure comes suffering.
When we look for something, we may not find it.
When we reach for something, we may not grasp it.
When we cling to something, we may not keep it.
When we aspire to something, we may not become it.
When we attempt something, we may not succeed at it.
When we ask for something, we may be denied it.
None of this feels good.
Worse still, is that, all too often, we also experience suffering when we get exactly what we thought we wanted.
We suffer when we discover that it is not enough, that it did not alleviate our pain, satisfy our craving, or diminish our longing.
This is the paradox of joy.
We cannot experience joy if we do not seek it, but it cannot be found in that which is sought.
Joy does not exist in the outcome, but in the process of seeking itself, in the way we approach it, in the way move through it, and in who we become and what we experience because of it.
It is the process we must embrace, suffering and all.
Holistic Budo: As it is in budo, so too it is in life. As it is in life, so too it is in budo.
Robert Van Valkenburgh is co-founder of Taikyoku Mind & Bodyand Kogen Dojo where he teaches Taikyoku Budo and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
All photos by Robert Van Valkenburgh unless otherwise noted.
Meditations on God 