If we want people to listen to us, we should begin by first listening to them.
People tend to listen better when they feel heard.
When they do not feel heard, they often become deaf to what we have to say.
Why shouldn’t they?
If we are unwilling to listen to them, why should they listen to us?
Most likely, if we are honest with ourselves, we will admit that we behave the same way when we feel unheard.
The secret to being heard, then, is to listen.
Interestingly, a strange thing happens when we become better listeners.
When we become better listeners, we find ourselves not needing to be heard quite as often.
There is a certain freedom in this.
By not needing to be heard, we become more patient, more understanding, and more compassionate toward others.
We become more open-minded and open-hearted.
As people begin to sense this in our presence and demeanor, they become more comfortable around us and the doors of communication begin to open freely and naturally.
When we are tasked with explaining, showing, or teaching something to someone else, it improves our understanding as well.
We learn from the process as much, or perhaps more than the person or persons we are helping.
This is especially true if we take the time to really think about what we are trying to teach, if we formulate a plan, and if we focus our efforts on simplicity and clarity.
The goal, after all, is to convey information in a way that is understandable and usable.
This process helps us to gather and clarify our own thoughts.
Teaching helps us to grow in both understanding and effectiveness with regards to not only the subject we are teaching, but also with regards to teaching itself.
The more we teach, the better we become at teaching.
And, the ability to convey information in a practical, useable way is always a skill worth having, developing, and refining.
By learning to share what we know, especially if it is something we are passionate and excited about, we are also learning to connect with others in a way that improves the lives of everyone involved.
This connection with others around a subject of common interest is one of life’s great experiences.
If possible, it is an experience we will not want to miss.
Often, our words fall short of what we truly mean to say and want to get across.
There is a feeling, an intention behind what we are trying to say that we cannot quite capture with words, that eludes our grasp, and that misses the target we are aiming for.
In spite of our best efforts, we struggle to truly communicate.
The words that come out of our mouths feel like a shallow representation of some deeper truth we mean to speak, like the shadow of that upon which we are trying to shed light.
We fumble around the best we can, but our attempts to be heard still feel like failure.
All of this can be quite frustrating.
Sometimes, this frustration can even turn into what feels like unresolvable conflict.
If the relationship is worth the effort, we keep trying, looking for a way to communicate so that our true intentions come across.
What we often fail to realize, however, is that communication begins with listening.
If we want to be heard, we must first be willing to listen to the way that the person is listening.
This requires empathy.
We have to learn how to put ourselves in the place of the listener and to imagine what our words, gestures, and expressions sound like, look like, and feel like to them.
If we want to communicate, the onus is on us to adapt to the listener and this requires us to become the listener.
Holistic Budo: As it is in budo, so too it is in life. As it is in life, so too it is in budo.
Robert Van Valkenburgh is co-founder of Taikyoku Mind & Bodyand Kogen Dojo where he teaches Taikyoku Budo and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
All photos by Robert Van Valkenburgh unless otherwise noted.
To communicate is not merely to speak, but to be heard, and, more so, to be understood.
Artwork by Ana
Often, we believe that simply by expressing ourselves that we are communicating. The problem is that communication is a two-way street. That which is expressed must actually be understood by the recipient in order for communication to have actually happened.
This means that, if we truly want to communicate, we must consider our audience and how they hear what we want to say. More is required of us than just talking or writing. We must be sensitive to the needs of the listener or reader, if we want that which we are trying to communicate to be comprehended in a useful, preferably actionable, way.
If we want to be heard and understood, we must become who the listener needs us to be. When we sense that our point is not getting across, we have to be willing to pause, reassess, and adjust our approach. In order to accomplish this, we must remain flexible, adaptable, and, most importantly, empathetic.
Holistic Budo: As it is in budo, so too it is in life. As it is in life, so too it is in budo.
Robert Van Valkenburgh is co-founder of Taikyoku Mind & Body and Kogen Dojo where he teaches Taikyoku Budo and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
Artwork by Ana, except where otherwise noted.
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