And even if the things you do for others are noticed, they may not be appreciated.
If being noticed or appreciated is your reason for doing these things, you are going to be disappointed.
You will be hurt or even angry when you do not get the reaction, recognition, or appreciation you were expecting.
The problem is not the response you get or do not get.
The problem, the cause of your disappointment, is your expectations.
If your motivation for doing things for others is that your actions will be noticed or that you will be appreciated, you are really not doing things for others.
You are doing them for yourself.
Therefore, you can choose either to do things for others without expectations or you can choose to be disappointed, but you cannot choose both.
The essence of motherliness is to do for others with a spirit of love, generosity, and protection.
When we first opened Kogen Dojo, one of the primary considerations was how to best serve the female members of our community, especially the mothers to our community’s children. For context, all three of the founders of Kogen are men, but we are also sons, husbands (or have been at one time), and fathers to daughters. As such, we decided it would be best to consult with a woman who was not only a mother and Brazilian jiu-jitsu practitioner, but who also taught women’s self-defense classes at our affiliate headquarters.
Our discussions included questions about how to attract more women to martial arts, what to teach in women’s-only classes, and some of the barriers women faced in wanting to try martial arts, even if simply for self-defense. When the discussion turned to the subject of scheduling, Jen, the woman with whom we were consulting, said something that struck me and continues to be food for thought for me to this day. She said, “It is difficult for a mother to commit to self-defense classes because she will always put the needs of her family ahead of her own.”
She went on to explain that, even if a mother committed to and paid for a regularly scheduled class for herself, if a scheduling conflict arose wherein she had to choose between her own activity and some activity or event for her family, she would almost always put her family’s needs ahead of her own. I am reminded of this sentiment often when I think about what it means for a woman to be a mother, what it means for a person to be so loving and so generous as to regularly sacrifice her needs and her interests in order to care for, nurture, and protect her loved ones. I am also reminded that those who do so much for others also deserve the same from us.
Thank you and Happy Mother’s Day!
Holistic Budo: As it is in budo, so too it is in life. As it is in life, so too it is in budo.
Robert Van Valkenburgh is co-founder of Taikyoku Mind & Bodyand Kogen Dojo where he teaches Taikyoku Budo and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
All photos by Robert Van Valkenburgh unless otherwise noted. Artwork by Ana.
Help others bring their dreams to life, but don’t forget to work on yours as well.
‘Icing’ by Ana and Ravy
Unless you are independently wealthy, you probably need a day-job and this most likely means working for someone else. Most of us earn a living this way, by helping to build and grow someone else’s dream. There is nothing wrong with this. We all need money and experience, and we all have to start somewhere.
Often, survival requires that we put or own personal goals, aspirations, and passions on the back burner for a while in order to earn a living and improve our lives. The need for food, shelter, and clothing requires us to do what we must, not necessarily what we want. While we are struggling to survive and, hopefully to get ahead, it is easy to lose sight of our deeper needs for fulfillment, meaning, and personal achievement.
Often, we conflate our lives and our occupations, our achievements at work with our true desires and aspirations. In the hustle and bustle of trying to get by, everything begins to blur. Our own dreams become a distant, fading memory. If ignored or forgotten for long enough, they begin to manifest as regret, disappointment, sadness, or even anger.
Unless we have found the rare opportunity where our dreams align with the dreams of those we work for or with, it is imperative that we take some time and make some space for ourselves. It is okay to help others build their dreams, but we cannot ignore our own in the process. Like our children, our dreams need our attention, nurturing, and effort.
Holistic Budo: As it is in budo, so too it is in life. As it is in life, so too it is in budo.
The Gracie jiu-jitsu self-defense curriculum is not for you.
Relson Gracie and Mike Stewart Jr. at Kogen Dojo. Photo by Mike Oswald Photography
Brazilian jiu-jitsu practitioners often talk disparagingly about the Gracie self-defense curriculum. They say things like: “I don’t care about that. I just do BJJ for fun. I can defend myself. I don’t need that stuff.” The people who say things like this are usually capable, fit, adult men who have enough skill and physicality that they can most likely defend themselves, especially with a little bit of BJJ or Muay Thai added to their skillset. They are missing the point.
The self-defense curriculum is not for them. The self-defense techniques taught in Gracie jiu-jitsu are for smaller, weaker people who may never train long enough in BJJ (or whatever) to get good enough to defend themselves with BJJ skills. They are for the average person to learn how to deal with the most common attacks they are likely to encounter in everyday life. They are not meant to teach fighting. They teach survival.
The techniques in the self-defense curriculum teach a child how to deal with and control a bully when conflict is inevitable. They teach a woman how to get out of and get away from unwanted grabs and restraints. They teach a man who is shoved or punched at how to close the distance or create space so as to stay safe. They teach a person how to both take the fight to the ground and how to get up off the ground safely. A BJJ or Muay Thai practitioner may not need these skills. It is not about them.
There is a lot of talk in BJJ about leaving your ego at the door. For a BJJ practitioner, especially for BJJ instructors, learning the self-defense curriculum is a selfless act. It should be learned so that it can be taught to the person or people who need it. Learning and teaching self-defense, especially when you do not need it yourself, is an act of charity. It is not about you. It never was.
“As in life, so too it is in budo. As in budo, so too it is in life.”
Meditations on God 