Win or lose, at the end of the day, you have to live with yourself.
It is better to lose as the best version of yourself than to win being someone you would rather not be.
In any endeavor, if you do your best, with integrity, honor, and courage, and do not leave an ounce of effort in reserve, you can and should hold your head high regardless of the outcome.
This is not an excuse to celebrate failure or to accept loss lightly.
Your goal is and should be to win, in whatever way you define success, but win as yourself.
You are who you have to live with for the rest of your life.
Impress yourself with your effort, give everything you have, and make yourself proud.
When there are things we know we should do or are told we are supposed to do, but know we are simply not going to do, it is important to be honest with ourselves and others.
There is no point in deceiving ourselves or those around us by saying that we are going to do something we are not going to do.
There is no use in pretending.
It helps no one.
Not only does it cause us internal discomfort when we say one thing and do another, at least if we have any kind of conscience, but it also causes other people discomfort as well.
People count on us to do the things we say we are going to do.
So, if we do not do them, those people are let down and, beyond that, the thing we said we were going to do never gets done.
If it was an especially important task, this failure on our part could cause all sorts of problems.
If we were just honest from the beginning, even if it initially caused some hurt feelings or conflict, at least we would give others the opportunity to seek out alternate solutions to the problem we were meant to solve.
By being honest up front, both our conscience and our honor are able to remain intact.
“I wasn’t born nice. I have to try really hard to be that way.” —My Wife
Some people tell us exactly who they are, leaving us with the choice to believe them, accept them, love them, or leave. These people do not try to be someone else, they do not hide their truth, and they do not expect that everyone will like them. They are who they are and they wear their flaws, fears, and insecurities on the surface right along with their desires, demands, and affection.
Being truthful about who they are does not necessarily mean that they like it. It simply means that they admit it, they own it, and they live with it. Being the first to acknowledge their flaws is both a form of strength and a protection because, if they can tell us about their shortcomings first, we cannot later say that we were deceived, unwarned, or strung along.
These people are not for everyone. Many of us need softness, illusion, grey areas, and even uncertainty in our relationships where we can hide in the shadows of the unspoken and unexpressed, never really knowing others or revealing our true selves. This allows us to ease our way into and out of intimacy, vulnerability, and the sometimes harsh, blinding light of honesty.
The truth is not always kind. It is not always careful. It is not always gentle or forgiving. The truth is what it is. If we can learn to live with it and with those who wield it as both sword and shield, we will have a powerful ally who will be forever faithful, who will never let us down, and who will fight for us and protect us at all costs.
Happy birthday to my beautiful, smart, strong, and always honest wife and mother to my precious daughter.
Holistic Budo: As it is in budo, so too it is in life. As it is in life, so too it is in budo.
Robert Van Valkenburgh is co-founder of Taikyoku Mind & Bodyand Kogen Dojo where he teaches Taikyoku Budo and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
All photos by Robert Van Valkenburgh unless otherwise noted.
Ultimately, the choice we have is between connection and division.
In all decisions, we are either moving towards or away from our goals, our desires, and each other. We are either connecting deeper with who we are, who we want to be, and with the people in our lives or we are disconnecting and becoming more deeply separated from them. Often, the correct path between these two choices is not always clear and the line between them is blurry because we are always bound and restricted by limited information.
Even the idea that we should ‘follow our hearts’ falls short when we understand and accept the complexity of human desire, will, and motive. We are imperfect creatures with limited insight into what is good and true, especially when the choices in front of us appear relatively benign, even trivial and unimportant, on the surface. The truth of what is right for us and those around us is further obscured when we add fear and ego to the equation.
Even in our imperfection, there is hope if we maintain perspective and bearing, if we understand that, even with all of the complexity, with all of the known and unknown variables surrounding our decisions, we face a simple choice in every moment, and that choice is to either become more connected with or more divided from of ourselves, our fellows, and the truth. This choice between connection and division is not always ours alone to make, but it is always within our power to choose how we respond to the process because every moment is an opportunity to seek connection or division.
Holistic Budo: As it is in budo, so too it is in life. As it is in life, so too it is in budo.
Robert Van Valkenburgh is co-founder of Taikyoku Mind & Body and Kogen Dojo where he teaches Taikyoku Budo and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
All photos by Robert Van Valkenburgh unless otherwise noted.
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Meditations on God 