A long time ago, a dear friend told me, “Maturity means that we show up where and when we said we would, and that we do what we said we were going to do when we get there.”
This is not complicated.
In fact, it is quite simple.
However, simple is not always easy.
Lots of things get in the way.
Other people want or need our attention.
Unforeseen obstacles come across our path.
We get tired, distracted, overwhelmed, or simply forget.
None of these are excuses, however.
A mature person does not make excuses.
A mature person may have explanations as to why he or she failed, but those explanations come with apologies, the offer to make things right, and the willingness to change so that the same mistakes are not made again where and whenever possible.
Maturity and accountability are synonymous with one another.
Do the difficult thing first, but do not stop there.
As children, we want to have fun. We want to play. We want to do what is easy, what feels good, and what makes us feel free. We want what we want immediately, with no compromise, and we want to be able to change our minds on a whim with no consequences.
We must be taught to do that which is difficult, that which is necessary, that which is for others, and that which is for the future. We must be taught to think beyond the moment, beyond ourselves, and beyond immediacy and want. We must be taught to be disciplined, considerate, generous, and to do what we must in this moment so that we can do and have what we want in the future.
While these lessons are vital to our development, equally important is the lesson that all of the work, the discipline, and the drudgery should be for something, that it should serve a greater purpose, that our time is valuable, and that we are doing that which is difficult not for difficulty’s sake, but to improve the quality of our lives, our circumstances, and our relationships.
Holistic Budo: As it is in budo, so too it is in life. As it is in life, so too it is in budo.
Robert Van Valkenburgh is co-founder of Taikyoku Mind & Bodyand Kogen Dojo where he teaches Taikyoku Budo and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
All photos by Robert Van Valkenburgh unless otherwise noted.
Maturity is the ability to love even when it is inconvenient.
As children, our capacity for love is directly tied to our needs and desires. We love those who care for us, who nurture us, and who feed, clothe, and play with us. When our needs or desires are threatened, we amplify or withdraw our affection in an attempt, whether conscious or unconscious, to manipulate our elders, siblings, or peers into giving us the things we want.
This is not mature behavior, however. In fact, using emotional leverage as a tool for getting what we want or avoiding what we do not want is the essence of childishness. As children, we lack the cognitive, emotional, and verbal skills necessary to express our needs and wants clearly, intelligently, and rationally, but, ideally, as we get older, we are taught both explicitly and implicitly by our elders, siblings, and peers that emotional manipulation is not only immature, but is also unacceptable.
Maturity is measured in our ability to love consistently and unwaveringly, regardless of whether or not we get what we think we want or need from the object of our affection. If we are emotionally mature, our love is not selfish, is not conditional upon reciprocation, and is not tied to behavior, convenience, or personal benefit, but is, instead, the deep, sincere, and consistent desire for those we care about to have what is best for them, even when it is not directly beneficial to us.
If we are honest with ourselves, however, we know that emotional maturity is both a process and even a transient state, but we also know that it is an ideal worth striving for.
Holistic Budo: As it is in budo, so too it is in life. As it is in life, so too it is in budo.
Robert Van Valkenburgh is co-founder of Taikyoku Mind & Bodyand Kogen Dojo where he teaches Taikyoku Budo and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
All photos by Robert Van Valkenburgh unless otherwise noted.
Meditations on God 