A bully is a person who pushes another person into a corner against their will, and then keeps pushing, and pushing, and pushing.
We often think about bullying as a physical altercation wherein a bigger, stronger, or more powerful person is abusive of a smaller, weaker, or less powerful person. Physical abuse, however, is just one way that bullying manifests. Most of the time, bullying is more subtle and more psychological or emotional than it is physical.
Simply put, bullying is the act of forcing another person into a state of fight or flight against their will. Bullying is any forceful imposition of will against another person wherein that person is put into a position from which they feel the need to defend themselves. This does not mean they have the ability or desire to defend themselves, but that they are forcefully placed into a position from which they feel the need to do so.
As we see more and more these days, bullying does not even have to take place in person in order to have severe, negative emotional and psychological effects on the bullied. Bullying can be as subtle as a forced argument or debate on social media, in an email chain, on text messages, over the phone, or face to face, or it can be as blatant as a person in a position of greater power physically abusing, assaulting, or even killing a person in a position of lesser power.
While most outcry and outrage for the victims of bullying only comes out when tragedy strikes, we should be forever mindful of the fact that bullying usually starts small. It starts with a word, a posture, or a tone of aggression intended to back another person into the corner, into a place where they either fight back, freeze, or run. Sadly, many people never make it out of that corner.
Holistic Budo: As it is in budo, so too it is in life. As it is in life, so too it is in budo.
Robert Van Valkenburgh is co-founder of Taikyoku Mind & Bodyand Kogen Dojo where he teaches Taikyoku Budo and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
All photos by Robert Van Valkenburgh unless otherwise noted.
“Please believe me. I’m real. No, really. It happened. It hurt.” -Amanda Palmer, ‘The Art of Asking’
Bullying is a violation. It is an assault on a person’s mind, body, or emotions, an assault on a person’s boundaries and willingness to participate. It is willful antagonism, provocation, mockery and harassment.
Bullying is the act of seeing a person’s vulnerability, his or her differences, flaws, or weaknesses, and honing in on those, focusing on those, picking on those, and digging in, poking and prodding over and over again until that person can find no refuge, no comfort, no safety, no escape and, taken to its extremes, no reason to live.
Children can bully other children, adults can bully children, adults can bully other adults, and the mob can bully an individual. It can happen at school, at home, at the office, in public, in private, on the road, on the playing field, courts, or mats, and it can happen online, but, regardless of where it happens or from whom it originates, it happens without the consent of the bullied.
Bullying is pushing someone beyond their ability to stand up for themselves, whether that ability is physical, emotional, or psychological. It is the act of taking a position of power over someone else’s well-being, of violating their integrity, their space, and their security until they are backed into a corner with nowhere to turn. It is removing someone’s ability to speak up, to say ‘no,’ to say ‘stop,’ to be heard and to be seen as a human being with a voice and a life that matters.
Holistic Budo: As it is in budo, so too it is in life. As it is in life, so too it is in budo.
The Gracie jiu-jitsu self-defense curriculum is not for you.
Relson Gracie and Mike Stewart Jr. at Kogen Dojo. Photo by Mike Oswald Photography
Brazilian jiu-jitsu practitioners often talk disparagingly about the Gracie self-defense curriculum. They say things like: “I don’t care about that. I just do BJJ for fun. I can defend myself. I don’t need that stuff.” The people who say things like this are usually capable, fit, adult men who have enough skill and physicality that they can most likely defend themselves, especially with a little bit of BJJ or Muay Thai added to their skillset. They are missing the point.
The self-defense curriculum is not for them. The self-defense techniques taught in Gracie jiu-jitsu are for smaller, weaker people who may never train long enough in BJJ (or whatever) to get good enough to defend themselves with BJJ skills. They are for the average person to learn how to deal with the most common attacks they are likely to encounter in everyday life. They are not meant to teach fighting. They teach survival.
The techniques in the self-defense curriculum teach a child how to deal with and control a bully when conflict is inevitable. They teach a woman how to get out of and get away from unwanted grabs and restraints. They teach a man who is shoved or punched at how to close the distance or create space so as to stay safe. They teach a person how to both take the fight to the ground and how to get up off the ground safely. A BJJ or Muay Thai practitioner may not need these skills. It is not about them.
There is a lot of talk in BJJ about leaving your ego at the door. For a BJJ practitioner, especially for BJJ instructors, learning the self-defense curriculum is a selfless act. It should be learned so that it can be taught to the person or people who need it. Learning and teaching self-defense, especially when you do not need it yourself, is an act of charity. It is not about you. It never was.
“As in life, so too it is in budo. As in budo, so too it is in life.”
Meditations on God 