In order to take care of yourself, you must be willing and able to let other people take care of themselves.
You are not responsible for everyone else’s happiness, success, or wellbeing.
Do what you can to help others, especially those in your care, but also be mindful and respectful of where your responsibility ends and their responsibility begins.
If they are capable and competent, give them the space and freedom to express that.
Even if they are not, you are still not necessarily obliged to act on their behalf, so be sure before you do.
You cannot be everything to everyone, nor should you try.
Let the people around you be themselves and let them do their own work.
Help where you can, but never at the cost of your own obligations.
You have your own responsibilities that you are uniquely qualified for and capable of attending to, and these tasks deserve your undivided attention.
No one is going to fill your shoes while you are trying to fill everyone else’s.
Establish clear boundaries and do your best to maintain them.
A long time ago, a dear friend told me, “Maturity means that we show up where and when we said we would, and that we do what we said we were going to do when we get there.”
This is not complicated.
In fact, it is quite simple.
However, simple is not always easy.
Lots of things get in the way.
Other people want or need our attention.
Unforeseen obstacles come across our path.
We get tired, distracted, overwhelmed, or simply forget.
None of these are excuses, however.
A mature person does not make excuses.
A mature person may have explanations as to why he or she failed, but those explanations come with apologies, the offer to make things right, and the willingness to change so that the same mistakes are not made again where and whenever possible.
Maturity and accountability are synonymous with one another.
Accountability is more desirable than authenticity.
There is a lot of focus these days on being authentic, but authenticity does not really get things done. Obviously, no one wants to deal with people who are fake, who do not mean what they say, or who pretend to be something they are not. However, no one wants to deal with people who are authentically unreliable, authentically uncaring, or authentically abrasive either.
What we really want is to know that we can count on each other. We want to know, when it matters, and it always matters, that the people around us are going to do what they said they were going to do, when they said they were going to do it, and they are going to do it willingly, enthusiastically, and professionally because they made a commitment. We also want to know that if, for whatever reason, they cannot do what they said they were going to do, that they will give an explanation, not an excuse, and a solution, not an apology.
We want dependability, reliability, and accountability more than we want authenticity for authenticity’s sake. Authenticity does not make up for hurt feelings, broken promises, or failed projects. Action, as they say, speaks louder than words, and accountability speaks louder than authenticity when a choice must be made between the two.
Holistic Budo: As it is in budo, so too it is in life. As it is in life, so too it is in budo.
Robert Van Valkenburgh is co-founder of Taikyoku Mind & Bodyand Kogen Dojo where he teaches Taikyoku Budo and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
All photos by Robert Van Valkenburgh unless otherwise noted.
It is very difficult to improve upon an aspect of our life that we do not first acknowledge as being in need of improvement.
There is not much motivation to change what seems to be working for us. This is true with regards to our beliefs, our character, or our relationships. Unless we perceive a problem, we tend to keep believing, behaving, and interacting in the same way almost indefinitely.
This is why having other people in our lives who hold us accountable for our mistakes is so important. If we do not have people around us who are comfortable telling us when we are wrong, in a way that we actually hear and accept what they say, we run the risk of staying wrong for a very, very long time. It is far too easy to perceive ourselves as being right when no one says otherwise.
As important as people who hold us accountable are, without the willingness to improve on the things that are pointed out as being problems, it is all for nought. If prejudice, obstinance, or denial prevent us from taking constructive feedback from the people around us, we put ourselves in a position wherein we are in a constant state of conflict with, not only the people who care about us enough to tell us where and why we should change, but also with our own growth and potential.
Holistic Budo: As it is in budo, so too it is in life. As it is in life, so too it is in budo.
Robert Van Valkenburgh is co-founder of Taikyoku Mind & Bodyand Kogen Dojo where he teaches Taikyoku Budo and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
All photos by Robert Van Valkenburgh unless otherwise noted.
Meditations on God 